Complaints, poetry, and images from the last couple weeks

Where do we stand in relation to true religiosity? It seems our cultural progression has continually moved toward an ethic by which we respect the sacred, regard it as something of value without retaining any real sense of what the sacred truly is. Our atheism is dogmatic, in need of little to no real demonstration or evidence because it seems so rational, yet all the while we understand that rationality itself is nothing but a means of justifying values which we already uphold. Diametrically opposed values each of which we are loathe to abandon. We understand that reason is not value creating, and that it is only man's creative passion which can give birth to new gods, yet to adhere to a religion, to abandon ourselves fully to that religion and to its full demands, why this is a concept utterly absurd to many of us. We take evidence against it to be self-evident, when it seems more probable to me that it is only that sense of individuality and freedom of thought which is the fundamental ethic of our culture which makes our submission before the sacred so incomprehensible. But not wanting to offend, and perhaps through a degree of insight as to the value of mythologies, we elevate religion as a concept appropriate for others, even commendable, for it is an important feature of culture and culture is what gives value to each individual. In elevating what amounts to the idiosyncrasies of others to a position of high regard, we ourselves move further and further away from what it might mean to stand before God in absolute submission. Consequently, we are in no position to produce an art which has the capacity to create new gods, nor believe in them were they somehow summoned from the dust. We who talk so easily about the sacred are like a man who keeps a toothless circus lion around the house to experience the thrills of the jungle.

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I speak from a different place this evening, not wrapped up in experiences which need to be shared but from a longing and a confusion which is my deeper dwelling in this land. I watched a few sections from the play tonight and was overwhelmed by all that I was able to walk away from. Right now the personal connections are shallow at best, and though I will not be so dishonest nor liberal-minded to say it is not to a degree the people I am with (volunteers not nationals) for most are empty martyrs with nothing to give but their time and their tears, there are on the other hand many thoughtful, caring people here. We are simply distanced from one another because we lack the meaningful cultural experiences which might have otherwise brought us together. Music brings those of us who play together into a value-based relationship of a sort though 4/4 songs praising the individual and freedom hardly seems the torrent rushing with might to the sea we had always assumed it was. Drinking provides the norm of ecstasy we are are accustomed to, but those times are few and far between for we are very busy, and we are very alienated from ourselves. Furthermore, we are all recovering from addictions which range from the norms which many of you are enjoying right now: comfortable beds, toilets, sex, consistent electricity, drugs, companionship, sports, buffalo wings, alcohol, family, a routine, etc etc etc. It is hard for anyone to know what to stand on from their past, and our training encourages the most liberal open-minded respect for all possible ways of life, all 1001 values, that we are empty vessels. Except for one thing. Each has their own memories, which they guard, each in their own way. None of us are able to be principally shaped by the world around us. Our mission is to help bring to people what they believe they are most in need of. What they would like to see for their children. Across the board the answer is access to water. Yet in giving them this we are also disposed to providing something else, which to the philosophical mind provides greater stimulus though I am hard-pressed to say whether it has greater value: Through this process, unity among peoples is an ideal set before us. Unity between Americans and Moroccans. Unity amongst villagers, in the sense that we encourage the formation of local associations, even insist upon it as our first prerogative. Unity concerning values, our values of freedom and capitalism and egalitarianism and w/o wanting to be too critical, bourgeois sentimentality. Unity within ourselves - for we are all here due to that yearning for self-knowledge, that fundamental drive which differentiates us from the goats and sheep and turkeys and camels which are my daily counterparts. What a contradiction though. We give up everything we know for the sake of giving depth to our own perspective, and yet to preserve this strange faith that we will find internal unity through it...it seems naive. The whole thing seems very naive to me right now, yet the power of will and belief is an awesome force and I have no intention of burning whatever bridge unites these two dichotomies, imaginary though it may be. Perhaps doing something tangibly good in a world where that seems very difficult and problematic for many of us is the fire on our horizon. Rank the actions of man as you will, each course seems to be for the benefit of some things and for the detriment of others. Say what you will of values, it is in the cases of ignorance and not revelation that we choose between them. Whatever tomorrow brings, it will need good earth to stand upon. Goodnight everyone. Thankyou for your thoughts, prayers, and letters. They mean a great deal to me.

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I discovered today that there are no morally ambiguous words in either arabic or berber languages. I suppose this makes sense given the arabic fascination with aristotle, a greek, and in the tradition of socrates/plato who was the first to note that a difference exists between the ideals of which men speak and the manner in which they actually live. His conclusion was that they were ignorant of the truth. This seems to be the explanation which the culture as a whole seems to recognize. Then christian doctrine employed original sin, inherent in all the sons of adam, to explain this gap between the truth and human reality which falls short of that truth. Existential doctrine which proceeded neitzsche's pronouncement that God is dead hoped bleakly that man could create new gods knowing that they were in fact only the offspring of man's creativity and amongst 1001 possible values that may be equally sufficient. When this thought came to America, it brought with it words like commitment, will, and created a culture who's ethos was founded upon respecting every possible value system, every persons free capacity to choose their own value system. We have succeeded in creating people who for the most part hold this doctrine in high regard. We maintain the permissibility of all possible ways of life (so long as they do not infringe upon others) yet we have also demonstrated in our daily lives Dostoevsky’s prediction that without God everything is permissible. The vast majority of men do not feel any guilt about this, and indeed, this is precisely the point. We have words like charisma, commitment, and will which are our new values imported from Germany, and they are our new good. Yet we are the most uncommitted people an advanced society has ever known, as our marriage rate attests to. In Arabic and Tashlihit it is not possible to say "I thought I wanted" "I felt I needed" "I should have" "I felt happy, sad, rushed, depressed, exhilarated..." You are those things. The word feel exists but it is reserved for rare moments in which God bestows upon you a personal truth. I felt I had to. it is the divine explanation for something which is not otherwise explainable. Words like will, decision, commitment, even "should" do not exist. Talk of the future is always proceeded by "in sha allah", translated for us "godwilling" but is more literally if God wishes. There is no "should." There is only the truth. I do not believe that people do not have notions of many truths and ways of life being permissible. Certainly most people are very aware of cultural differences which they are eager to try to bridge. This is an important element of their culture, and it has contributed to my assessment that these may on the whole be the most hospitable people in the world. I don't know what to make of all this. I often recall shadi's question of what freedom really was, a question which has never been put so forwardly to me as it was by him. Freedom to deliberate and choose between possible goods. freedom from a single right. Yet does not majority opinion continue to be that right for us. Who among us does not struggle to overcome that urge to be what others want, and the tendency to define that model as something that we have chosen for ourselves. Today was definitely the first day I was able to get any sense of the perspective of the people around me on some of their own terms, and it has been a flash which has permitted me to consider all the big questions anew. Im not terribly afraid of this although I suspect I ought to be. Most of our values are cheap. Its our ingenuity and our optimism that has made our nation great. Concerning values, we have a great deal to learn.

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Another interesting feature concerning language and worldview: mnshk aylkmn is used to ask the time is literally translated "how much has the time reached" For someone who has always favoured a teleological view of the world this is a relief, yet precisely because of that teleological view there is the sense that I am taking a step backward in some greater historical progression. I do not feel when I'm walking around talking to people, looking at the shops, buying meat, washing laundry by hand that this is what it must have been like x number of years ago. Clearly this is now and real, and no one here is yearning for a washing machine or pre-packaged meat. Today is Easter Sunday, and as I'm writing this many of you all are in church, singing songs I wish I could hear. Two of the girls tried to present Easter as a cultural thing to be shared, and so they bought a few dozen brown eggs to dye and hide in the hotel, which incidentally did not dye very well due to the colour. They also took names for a secret Easter bunny gift giving thing. Didn't sound like my kind of thing so I didn't do that, partially b/c I was afraid that I would forget to buy something but mostly because the whole thing rang sour with me. I did dye a couple of eggs this morning though. We took an oral language evaluation yesterday which was frustrating for me. Most of what I've been learning has not been from the book, and the test took things exclusively from the book and did not permit me any of the acting and french and spanish which have been essential tools for me in conversation. I did fine, but I didn't excel by any means. We leave Orzazate on Tuesday to go back to our Community based training sites for 8 days, which is probably the longest we've stayed in one place since we've been here, and during this time were going to work with the local association to outline a plan for managing the trash in the community. Things are rolling along, but I'm definitely at my worst when I'm back in Orzazate with all the Americans and the staff. Most everyone is great 1 on 1 or in small groups but the big group dynamic does not play to my strengths and weighs on my frustrations. The week has certainly been a good one, the holiday most notably. I think I was the only one of the volunteers who really enjoyed their day off when they didn't have other Americans to spend it with. I ended up at a party that Nordin organized for two communities in the area, and played in a soccer game. It gave me a lot of time to wander around a meet some of the faces which I'm starting to recognize. As for right now, I'm gonna try to catch a nap. Hope you all are well.

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What is this path whose possibility has manifested so quickly? Where would I have it lead us all? Surely it was always with me, but lay buried beneath a garland of duties and moral sanctity which has now been set aside me on my night stand as I lay down to receive whatever dreams give birth in me, be they heavenly ecstasies or nightmarish visions.

I have gazed upon my surroundings and listened attentively to the directionless melodies of this new choir, and I have been allured by all I perceive. Everywhere there is energy, uncertain of itself or its capacity, yet unwavering in its tenacity to become fulfilled within a higher self and grasp its deepest human need.

Yet the danger is ever-present. In each mad exertion whereby heaven and hell are bent together by our sheer will, we call out audaciously our demand that shape-shifting ** wrestle with us. And when we discover as we have time and time again that the flesh is weak and eternity is boundless, we grasp hold of a piece of the truth calling it our home, our lifeboat, our vindication, and blind ourselves to the rest.

And we call this our character and proudly claim it is the spoils of victory and the fulfilment of our search.

But I say that these represent only a desire to be legitimized within yourself, and what you call your love is only a web of love promises made that you might stand both within love, and aside love as its keeper and its judge. Though we struggle to bind our love, it never ceases in altering its nature. The deepest longing of the soul will not be blinded by our idolatry, for longing seeks infinite expanse, and will open our eyes, even as we struggle to blind it.

And though it is right that we must time and time again become consumed in totality and vision, only to seek refuge in what is low, having found ourselves helplessly small, and hopelessly lacking, we must be not be afraid to stand firm when it is the life giving earth which is planted beneath our feet. We must stand humbled before the depths of the soul and its playground, confident in the path of our dreams, joyful as we live among men, and unyoked by the burden of daily life.

Every action ought to pave a road upon which new dreams might be born. And every expanse ought not to be sought out that it might further the needs of our character, but rather that in this great motion of struggle and submission, that which is our character might be dissolved and we might remain only as an open hand, absorbing light, and reflecting wisdom and serenity.

Dwell not on the judgments of others but explore the truth which your soul knows of itself before those judgments are even perceived. And if you find in your youth that your soul does not yet know itself, go in search of it beside the solitude of the forest. And if you find in yourself strength as well as weakness, knowledge as well as ignorance, joy as well as pain, sweet submission as well as rebellion, then what credence can one who would judge you possibly possess?

Look away. Seek yourself within the lightness of your spirit, and the willingness of your own noble actions.

Look away

Look away dixie land.

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What wind will next direct your course, oh AmErika?
From what ground do you hoist your flag?
Even here I see it waving in the wind, but the majesty has been dethroned
The purple mountains now concrete grey.

A man asked another if he had ever seen an airplane fall from the sky.
I gazed upward through a hole in the clouds, recapturing anew, my youth and the brotherhood which accompanied it
rolling, tumbling, before terminal velocity took hold.
He smiled proudly, ironically, through a facade of moral indignance.
I was there, he answered.
32nd and Broadway.
I could see him fingering his pistol.
He took a slow drag of light tobacco, and turned away from us.
To fall provides total freedom for an instant extended.
3-deminsions of possibility.
New angles of orientation opening and closing at a rate incomprehensible.
Then suddenly one, frozen locked in a stare with the ground below,
approaching inevitably, yet tiresomely slow.
The moment of impact takes hold of the body, holding you in the position of contact.
Only the impact is not there.
The perfect actor, in the same dumb action movie.
Silent ThhWoocsshce of relief, ninety-eight seconds later.
Weight absent you go on, floating to ground like a feather.
Just as you knew you would, science smiling, amused that human doubt still persists, despite the evidence forever piling up.
There was a parable I used to remember which concerned the sowing of seeds in good earth.
I've forgotten it, remembering only that fertile soil is somehow essential.
And that a seed can be choked.
AmErica.
I love you like a mother, for you have given me all I really know.
Yet it is cancer I suck from your teat,
and I am too old for the teat anyway.
And if I find myself speaking your name with nostalgic fondness,
it is for the promised land of which you spoke.
Not for the desert which you are.
That promised land is still lives in my heart, though its beat is unnatural, rapid
for I can taste it in the air i breathe, which passes through my blackened lungs.
God of my fathers, lead me to the good, which is such, in and of itself.
God of my fathers, show me what is singularly best, better than all else.
God of my fathers, teach me to stand.
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Perhaps a narrative is in order. Things have been happening, important, interesting things I believe, but of what can I speak? Inevitable censorship of addressing a multitude, this must be overcome.
I was informed yesterday morning that I will be spending the next two years of my life in Toubkal, the highest point in North Africa, at the center of the largest mountain range in all of Africa. I am by no means disappointed by this news, but it does not put me at ease in the way that spending this time on a coastal city might have. The temperatures will be extreme in the winter, and as far as development is concerned, there is plenty to be done. Perhaps Chris will be interested to know that I will be above the tree line, so with the exception of the 18 olive trees I have planted in during staj, I will not be planting any more trees. My future is with people, developing a community which is environmentally sensitive, rather than working on specifically environmental projects. Since I have been here I have observed my own capacity to be much better suited to social and political situations externally and cultural comparisons internally. Conservationalist ideals remain ideals for me, ideals which as of yet I have been unable to align my actions with, yet I fall out of every discussion which debates the value of lugubrious or decipherers trees in a region. I feel like I have a pretty good understanding of what these arguments hinge upon, but I have every intention of speaking with a regional expert from the Dep of Agr before I make any decision like this. I just don't have a philosophy on the matter, and don't have anything to build one upon. Consequently, I'd be going off of what a bunch of silly American biology major know-it-alls would tell me, and that seems foolish.
At any rate, I'm leaving tomorrow to go to my site, as those of you who have talked to me recently already know. I will sincerely miss my friends at Ait Ben-Haddou. I have no expectations that my next homestay family will match them, and am only thankful that I had that experience once. Every need I had during this preliminary period was met by them. The area is beautiful, absolutely worthy of its UNESCO World Heritage status which places it alongside Mayan and Aztec ruins and Yellowstone Park in terms of its...--I don’t want to say value, even historical value. Its that magical sense that history is taking place now, just as much as it was 1000 years ago. I remember camping aside Yellowstone Lake when it was still frozen over with Evan, watching birds fly over in the morning and considering sustainable living, and saying to Evan when he awoke that morning that romantic thought may be the greatest danger that the western world has come upon. The unity of beauty and death, of beauty and sin. How natural these connections seem to us today. How easily we can unite two ideas which ought to be mutually exclusive and feel ourselves wiser for having this capacity. Today's Blakean marriage: the marriage of nihilism and optimism.
We have begun work on our final project for training, which consists of compiling a book of NGO's active in the region, outlines of their goals, and testimonies from villages who have worked in cooperation with the NGO's in the past, along with examples of successful and unsuccessful grant requests w/analysis. I have been very active with this project amongst our group because I've been able to have the closest relationships with the pivotal association members, though it has been on hold these last couple days due to the antipation of finding out our sites, and travel plans, laundry, drinks, homestay gifts, etc, etc. I hope we don't lose motivation for this project after we return from our sitevisit. We all have a great deal invested in these families and this village, and I hope that we don't lose sight of that after seeing our home and project for the next two years.
Other projects from the week have included the installations of improved cookstoves, and Environmental education activity in the elementary school for earth day, interviews with the Dep of Water and Forestry and the head of a women's commune which produces goat cheese and handicrafts. The latter, moved me with the story of the organizations origin. 8 years ago a French nun came to the region and after living in the area for about 6 months as a relative unknown, she rounded up all the girls and said follow me, I'm going to teach you to make handicrafts, or something of this nature. After bringing all the girls in the village together, she sent them out saying, bring your mothers and your aunts, so that they to can participate. Perhaps there’s nothing remarkable in this story except the mythic way it was presented to us. It reminded me again of the value of myth as a source of unity, and it has forced me think about the story of any project I undertake. Utility is not the principle issue, and I will need to remind myself of this time and time again. What is important is that people see themselves as part of something which is socially, historically, and perhaps even religiously significant. I don't know how exactly I fit into this, but I understand that it takes more than paperwork and successful networking and communication to create something meaningful.

For my generation:
I have also wondered if we are in fact beyond this in America, for it goes hand in hand with what I have thought about our progression as a nation, and truthfully, I don't believe we necessarily are. We are just so accustomed to monumental stories, dumbed down into media clips that a new mythology would have to take on a different form, one which places it beyond the media at least in its preliminary stage, yet touches the souls of people. The former will be more difficult than the latter, for the media sees itself as possessing jurisdiction over anything which takes place. What is important is that the new story maintains an apolitical status at all cost, and escapes the liberal / conservative dichotomy. I don't think this necessarily means attacking both sides vehemently, as many of the contemporary political thinkers I have read as of late have chosen, but praising something which both can call their own, but which both sides fundamentally lack. I recognize the ambiguity of this, but I can say no more of it at this time. This new story which I envision as art backed up by relentless social activity, must go beyond its medium into a lifestyle or subculture if you will, following the precedent of the Beats, and its leaders will need to play an active role in the social, as well as in the creation of the art or mythology. It is pivotal that the two realms are not wholly independent of one another, for both must support one another. In the former case, the social was left to act blindly, in all likelihood due to the absence of a positive social vision within the art. Consequently, the social movements which resulted simply took the form of a more active liberalism, which was immediately counterbalanced within the political dichotomy. If it is to have an impact on a national level, it must be able to recognize and utilize historical and cultural events to present itself to people, advancing aggressively, recognizing and avoiding the questions it cannot answer, and receding when it does not provide the immediate answer. For those of you with an interest in what I'm saying, please write to me with your thoughts. The question of what is next is one which I finally feel I can began to address from this vantage point, and I am interested in any dialogue you all find time for. That said, it is time for me to call it a night. Hope this update finds you all healthy and empowered.

With love and aspirations,
Benjammin